Saturday, September 30, 2006

joie de vivre

I was thinking about post ideas, most of which were inane or depressing. I looked out the window onto the garden. The Sun is shining brilliantly, it is a beautiful day. I had an epiphany.
Or at least something less depressing and hopefully less inane.
I share with you, a glorious feeling of happiness, a joy to be alive. A beautiful day.

Here is a picture of my apple tree.

It's a beautiful apple tree. It's great to be alive. It's a great day.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Ricky Gervais.

Ricky Gervais is the writer of The Office. He is a clever guy.
Just in case you didn't know his website is Here


He also produced a range of Flannimal Books. This site has images you can printout and colour. They are GREAT, I use them, with CRAYON.
I like RED crayon best.

Oh Yes.

Vegan Predator.









Clicking on the image will enable a larger view.
If you haven't met Nemi before, she can be found here.

Poore response...

No, quite goode really!

Andy,
Thank you for taking the time to communicate your comments with us. The Clamato Tortilla Chips are a new item mainly in vending machine you now can order them online at http://www.greatgoodiesandgifts.com/ under New Goodies.

They are also available on mail order form, which I will include in this e-mail. Or you are welcome to call 1-866-932-3757 to place a phone order. If you will send us your address we will keep you informed on the distribution of the Clamato Tortilla Chips. Thank you for your interest in our products, The Inventure Group, Inc., formerly Poore Brothers.

Chanell Perry
Customer Service
The Inventure Group, Inc.
Poore Brothers, Inc.
poorebro@qwest.net

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam.....

Jen's (Zed's Haggis Chips) looked that good I stole them. They were GREAT!
But I feel the guilt of the glutton, so I have replaced them with Frogtilla Chips.


Looking for Jen's forgiveness and Zed's approval.

Banned in the UK.

Wednesday afternoon grocery shopping.

It went something like this. "Excuse me", "Do you have any Clamato Juice?"

"Ah", "Tomato Juice aisle six".

"No, no, not Tomato Juice", "Clamato Juice".

"Ah, you mean Cranberry Juice", "Aisle six".

"No, no, not Cranberry Juice", "Clam-a-ato Juu-ii-ce"

Blank stare.

"Juice from Clams?"

"Well, yes", "There is a dash of Clam in it".

I could see the gears turning.

"Look Mister, we have Tomato Juice, Cranberry Juice, Raspberry Juice, Blackberry Juice, Avacado Juice, Apple & Pear Juice Blueberry & Grape Juice and Orange Juice".
"We do not have "Clam-ato Juice".

Pfttt...
I also failed to get Kellogg's Strawberry flavor Mini-Wheats...

I left the supermarket feeling juiceless.

When I got home. I tried online to find info on Clamato....

Where you can buy Clamato
Clamato is available in the US, Mexico, Canada and the Caribbean.

10. I'm not from Canada or the United States. How can I get Mott's* Clamato* in my home country?
At the time of publication, no laws were in existence, either expressed or implied, preventing the export of Mott's* Clamato* for personal use.While we are unable to involve ourselves directly in this process, most international airlines offer convenient options for international travel to Canada.You will, however, be subject to their rules governing the size of carry-on luggage, so we suggest you pack lightly.


HA!, What do they know! A little further digging produced this:




Yes it's true, Clamato is banned in the UK...

Woo Hooo.... or Boo Hooo.... delete whichever is applicable.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

A Typical Scottish Wedding...

This is a scene from a typical Scottish wedding.
At this point a Haggis was spotted running towards the bar.
Hamish (pictured with sword) let out the cry of "Get the Haggis!" and led the charge.


The Haggis escaped this time, and all guests drowned their sorrows in malt whisky. The Groom sent out for 42 Black Pudding Suppers and 2 Mars Bar suppers. Tasty!

Monday, September 25, 2006

W.A. Spooner.

This is for Mel.












More laundry.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Spidey Love.

This is for Scarlet.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Balance is the Key.

Balance is the Key






My theory would go something like this: there is balance in all things.

Alpha to Omega your life is balanced. When one falls in love the positive aspect of your life is uppermost and of an amplitude in accordance with 'how much' you are in love.

When that love is over, for whatever reason, the sign bit changes and the same amplitude is now in the negative aspect with the resultant hurt, depression and angst that emotional turmoil brings.
The greater your love was, the deeper will be your pain.

You will be loaded with two kinds of baggage, some good, some bad, but your life will still be in balance.
What you must do in order to cope with this baggage is grow stronger, and make yourself a good yoke.

Apologies for the emotional post, more to follow...

Friday, September 22, 2006

Be careful what you wish for...

The Forbes 400

No. 9: Andres Miller

Net worth (£bil): 23.0 (up)

Source: Time Travel software

Age: 50; Marital status: Single, one chicken

Residence: Edinburgh, Scotland.

Education: Open University, dropout

In September the TimeLord Inc chief visionary announced his new product, the latest from the company he founded 17 years ago. The OU dropout who has promised "to make Anne Altman a billionaire before next Wednesday" is now focusing time circuits on defrauding the world's bookmakers of all their funds. He has tested his Time Travel Software by insulting the population of the Planet Earth in alphabetical order. This has taken him 14,077,876 years and is now tired and completely knackered. He has already virtually funded the well known and beloved Bloggers Jen at Casual Slack, Doctor Mom at You've Got 2B Kidding and Zed at the World According To Zed. He is working on new sources of income and hopes someday to grow up and become a useful adult. The company is pushing Time Travel software into PCs, TV set-top boxes, games consoles and cell phones. Upcoming features include Omega Man and Soylent Green scenarios, due early 2009.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Self Medicate?

My prostate examination was inconclusive, so I thought I would take a look myself.


Monday, September 18, 2006

The Mountain is coming...

Further to the wave of latent brotherly love that is sweeping the Blogosphere, I can exclusively reveal that our own Mr. Dick Small and Nick Lachey may be an item.


Dick & Nick were seen stepping out at the Croesus Restaurant in LA as guests of Steve Martin. Steve had sent his Lear Jet to pick up Mr. Small in New York.
The latent wave has also crossed the pond where a mad Scotsman having been 'converted' by the application of a gelled digit, has vowed to marry Kevin Federline.

When asked for a quote, Mrs Federline replied 'Whatever'.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I WILL marry Kevin Federline...

This is for Zed...


One point to 'Note' , this is old currency. Spain has now moved to the Euro but it can still be changed at the Bank of Espana. In Spain.
Hopefully...

It's the best I can do given my tax loopholes are closing fast.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Love is all around...

For Amy.


Everyone, but everyone is entitled to be loved. I love a Haggis. Occasionally, with a drink of Ardbeg. And turnip. And potato.

Timelord.

This post references the previous post 'Fear of Sausages'.

I haven't managed to work out a price on it yet. I'm more of the backroom boffin than the marketing guru. It is rather fun though. I'm actually using it to write the manual.

I have designed the algorithm to work like this:

When the device is switched on it allows the wearer to enter a parallel dimension, created at the point of (power on) and exactly parallel to that of the wearer. This means everything will be exactly the same as before (power on) except the wearer will have entered a parallel dimension. All other life will carry on exactly as before, with other people living their lives as normal.

Although this is not strictly true as referenced from the original dimension which we shall refer to as DIMZERO. When the device times out 8 hours later, or the user aborts, she/he will be returned to the point (in time) of exit from DIMZERO into DIMONE. There are seventeen memory locations built into the ring which the user can record DIMONE events that will be carried and returned with the user to DIMZERO.The only medium for event transport I have allowed (at present) is in the form of an email, ie written text.


I am trying hard to forsee all the abuses this device can be put to, and preventing them in the code if possible. This may be a bit (spoilsport) since everything that happens in DIMONE is essentially not connected to DIMZERO, but the behaviour of the wearer cannot be controlled and they may surrender to the basic human instincts. I also have zero control over the wearer during their journey, and they may surrender to substance abuse, which when in their system at cellular level will be carried back to DIMZERO. The substance may prevent the user from understanding the 'Returned to DIMZERO' announcement, and if they have surrendered to the basic human instincts, they may still behave as if they are in DIMONE.


I am also unsure of nested use, that is a DIMONE user donning another ITGR and proceeding to DIMTWO.I have not done this, and I may never attempt it. I had thought of preventing the close proximityof two differing ITGRs, but this would prevent couples wishing to jaunt. I have termed the journey from DIMZERO to DIMONE a jaunt.


I have produced some statistics regarding the differences between DIMZERO and DIMONE, and there is a 99.9017% correlation up to the eight hour mark. This would extrapolate to approx 99.17% correlation up to the 24 hour mark. Any further than this and the correlation falls below an acceptable level exactly the same as 'real life' or DIMZERO. This however does lead to the 'Back to the Future' scenario. I have harvested DIMONE gambling results and compared them to DIMZERO, with unfortunately 100% accuracy.


This leads us back to deciding a price. What would you pay?

Friday, September 15, 2006

Fear of Sausages...

I don't know how everyone else copes. I have decided to invent my own solution.

Can be used for anything - Sleep, Sex, Study
Hopefully I will have this out Mid-October. I'm also planning a 24 hour version.

A Taste of Scotland.

This is a picture of a real LIVING HAGGIS! Caught in the Kilpatrick Hills by the River Clyde, and photographed in our Lab at the Haggis Research Institute at Erskine. This is the only male we have caught alive in the last 17 years.




The Haggis pictured was subjected to non-invasive testing and found to be extremely intelligent, with the highest SAT scores for any Haggis recorded. He was later released, completely un-harmed, back into the wild. The radiotag that had been attached was later found abandoned in an old nest, having been modified to receive cable TV.

Update.

Unfortunately the Haggis Research Institute has now closed, and Haggis research outsourced to the Czech Republic. The Haggis population in Scotland continues to thrive and has increased year on year since recording began.

There is no known or recorded population of Haggis in the Czech Republic.

Unexpect the Expected...

Sorry for the lack of material. I've been tied up.

Nemi







If you have never had Nemi before, you can find her here

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Temptation.

This is for Doctor Mom.

Oops I forgot to sign it. What a shame!












I'm a little short at present so it may bounce.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Tag 40.

Jen tagged me with 40 questions. Since I am a Blog tyro, I shall do my best...
  1. Do you still have tonsils? - Yes, I am the same as when born, just bigger. (go on, imagine, I dare you..)
  2. Would you bungee jump? - Yes.
  3. If You Could Do Anything In The World For A Living What Would It Be? - Draw well.
  4. How many tattoos do you have? - None. My Dad said No.
  5. Your favorite fictional animal? - The Haggis.
  6. One person that never fails to make you laugh? - Jen.
  7. Do you consider yourself well organized? - Only when I find what I'm looking for. (otherwise, jumping up & down cursing)
  8. Any Addictions? - Liquorice Allsorts.
  9. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news? - Channel4 News.
  10. Would you rather go to a carnival or circus? - No thanks.
  11. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? - A TimeLord.
  12. Best Movie You've Seen This Year? - DVD, That Sinking Feeling.
  13. Favourite alcoholic drink - Ardbeg. Closely followed by The Balvenie. (usually two minutes close)
  14. What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? - Resigned sigh...
  15. Siblings? - One older brother, one older sister. I am the baby...
  16. What is the best thing about your job? - Sufficient time off to appreciate life.
  17. Have you ever gone to therapy? - No, do I need it?
  18. If you could have one super power what would it be? - I used to fly when I was younger, but I lost it... (see 17)
  19. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? - No. I am not allowed in Ikea.
  20. Have you ever gone camping? - Yes, I like camping.
  21. Gas prices! First thought? - I am considering replacing my gas boiler with an Heat Pump.
  22. Your favorite cartoon character? - Homer.
  23. What was your first car? - Morris Minor 5cwt van.
  24. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? - No. (with qualification...)
  25. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? - D'oh! (see 22)
  26. Do you go to church? - No. But.. I am the black sheep of the family.
  27. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? - Steve Martin.
  28. What errand/chore do you despise? - Working for a living...
  29. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? - Groundhog day...
  30. Last time you puked from drinking? - It's getting less regular, probably two years ago.
  31. What is your heritage? - Scottish.
  32. Favorite flower? - I am a weed lover. Stand up for the oppressed.
  33. Disney or Warner Bros? - Both.
  34. What is your best childhood memory? - First day at school.
  35. Your favorite potato chip? - Tomato flavour anything.
  36. What is your favorite candy? - (see 8)
  37. Do you burn or tan? - BURN really deep red, esp. the buttocks, then tan.
  38. Astrological sign? - Aquarius.
  39. Do you own a gun? - No, I'm not a gun person. (with qualification...)
  40. What do you think of hot dogs? - I have tried what I assume was a typical NA hotdog. I liked the honey mustard.

A Star is hatched?...

Blue Beak received a letter. He thought it came from Pfizer the pharm company; No it came from PFISER The Pornographic Film Industry Starlet Evaluation Recruitment. I haven't the heart to tell him. He's all excited so I guess we'll let it roll...
He said he will be travelling to a meeting tomorrow and possibly some screentest, so I've hired him a stretch limo.


Again he'll need all the cluck you can spare...

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Empathy.

This is for Jen.

Three day weekends for life.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Chicken Sandwich.

This is my first post on my own, to hear the story from a fowl mouth so to speak.
I am so ready for this, THIS IS MY DESTINY - to be thrust into the limelight of the blogosphere.

I wasn't happy sitting on that Broody shelf.

Mister no pants over there, took him long enough to recognise my Star quality.

I like this fame thing. He gave me his charge card and let me go buy some stuff at the sales.

It's not my fault they cut up his Broody card. He's just a curmudgeon.
Anyway, he ate my kids for breakfast...

Pfiser called! I got a phone call and a really nice letter from Pfiser who are interested in using my blue pecker in an advertising campaign. YAY!

Mr Muney Shott called to arrange a meeting to discuss ME STARRING in a mini series for Cable called "Strap-a-Chick-to-Me". I said I didn't want to do anything risqe', but he re-assured me saying that this mini-series was really tasteful, like a Chicken Sandwich so to speak, just me and a couple of girls.

I can't wait.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

A Sweetie...

For Rapunzel.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Serial Killer Monthly...

This is for Dick.

I am not a Number, I am a Free Man

Apologies for any offence caused.